Today is day 20 after finding out that I had a cancerous tumor on my cervix. As I lay in bed, exhausted from doing nothing and getting barely any sleep, I’m constantly in thinking mode…thinking about the beautiful man that sleeps sweetly beside me, all of the things he is doing to make me comfortable, and the unknown.
At this point, the doctors don’t know what stage I’m at, which prompted the Hubby to make several phone calls to doctors, hospitals, and receptionists to find the best hospitals we could travel to. His belief that his late Grandmother, Germie, sent me to him, drives him to find the answers that will keep us healthy for years to come.
For years before the Hubby, I found myself indifferent with the thought of having children. After all, they smell, take turbo shits that most certainly end up in odd places (including your hair), and they encroach upon my best laid plans of owning a Chanel handbag…as I step into my Ford Focus. That all slowly changed when I met my Hubby. Now, Friday will be 9 months of awesome marriage, and I couldn’t stop talking about having a little boy to dress up like Jim Harbaugh for Michigan game days (complete with mini, blue permanent marker and mini notepad).
All of that came tumbling down to a screeching halt after last week’s visit with an oncologist. Am I being punished because I had always vowed never to ruin my body with child birth? If so, I promise I don’t care as long as I can have a little one. The thoughts that cross my mind.
Angry doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings, but what can I do? We have to play the cards we’ve been dealt and always try to remain one step ahead of the dealer. The temper tantrums I’ve had in my head have been epic, and growing epically bigger as the days pass. I can only imagine what will happen in real life if this week doesn’t go as I hope. Fuck, shit, damn, son of a bitch…They’re all normal words that cross anyone’s mind during a tough time. I mean, let’s be honest.
The little things, “At least you don’t have cancer”, cross my mind when people complain…then I stop myself and get a jolt of reality because that saying can no longer apply to me, and I can’t frickin believe it.
This week, we are venturing off to Houston to MD Anderson’s cancer facility to get a better handle on what we’re dealing with, so the adventure continues and the updates will too.
Switching gears, I have to say that I married into the biggest support system known to man. Sisters, brothers, moms, and dads galore, on top of my own! They all call and/text words of love, support, and encouragement to both the Hubby and I. To that, though I have constant, racing thoughts, I say, “We’ve got this”.
I will be making bracelets to raise awareness for cervical cancer. They will include the infinity symbol to signify family and friends as a constant, along with a dark blue bead to signify my Hubby and his strength throughout this whole thing (he has a labeled accordion file with all of my documents, all of his questions, and any easily accessible info. Talk about organized). One version will be corded and will go for $10, and the other will be beads of different sorts that will go for $15. If you are interested, let me know – half of the proceeds will be given to the American Cancer Society because there is more than one cancer that needs a cure.
We’ve got this.